The One worth Suffering for chapter 6

[cillab42]

Jared was having trouble sleeping because the idea of telling Jensen both that he had gotten a vasectomy and that he had it reversed without his partners’ knowledge was eating away at him. It had been two months since Jensen’s … attack and he had had plenty of time and chances to tell him, but he didn’t want to add to his stress. Even though he had the procedure to protect Jensen, the other man still should have had a say in the decision.

In addition to dealing with the guilt of not telling Jensen, he was also dealing with the new, closer relationship between Jensen and Chad. Jared was not sure what was going on between the two men, but Jared couldn’t get near Jensen while Chad, or Dr. Murray, as Jensen was often reminding him, could get as close as he wanted. He lets Chad change Jensen’s bandages, and even that god dammed colostomy bag. Okay that part he could get over, but Chad also got to comfort and soothe and frankly, Jared was pissed.

“Nooo! Stop please stop!” Jensen yelled in his sleep.

Jared looked at Jensen as he thrashed in his sleep. He wanted to wake him and offer comfort, to let him know that he was all right, but once Jensen woke from that nightmare and realized that Jared was touching him, he would freeze up as though Jared’s touch was distasteful to him. As he listened, he wondered why Jensen didn’t put up a fight like this that night, why had he just given in so easily.

No matter how distasteful Jensen found his touch or how much he thought about Jensen’s lack of fight that night, it damned near killed him to hear him relive that nightmare each night. Jared moved so that he kneeled beside the bed near Jensen’s face. He gently carded his hand through Jensen’s hair in an attempt to wake him without startling him.

“Baby, wake up.” Jared encouraged, but Jensen was caught in the grasp of the nightmare, and twisted away from his partner and continued to beg and plead for the torture to stop. When he touched Jensen again, he woke up and scrambled up the bed until his back was flush with the headboard. That action along with the wild unfocused eyes darting around the room reminded Jared of a trapped animal looking for an escape.

“Jen, baby it’s ok, it’s me Jared. No one is going to hurt you. You’re safe.” Jared said in a soft and calm voice trying not to frighten him any more than he was already.

Jared repeated those words until Jensen fixated his eyes on him and slowly emerged from the nightmare. Once he realized where he was, Jensen immediately recoiled from the hand Jared had on his arm. As much as he disliked the idea of this new closeness between Chad and Jensen, on nights like this, he would kill for the other man’s presence to take that look of terror from Jensen’s eyes.

Despite the jealousness he had been feeling towards Chad, Jared knew that the other man loved Jensen like a brother and would do anything to help his friend. He just wished Jensen would let him be there for more than the night terrors.
The three of them had always been close, but since that night, Chad and Jensen were always together. Today Jensen had two doctors’ appointments, one to remove the wire from his teeth and then he would go to the hospital to have the colostomy reversed and he had arranged for Chad to be there.

The day actually went well, Jensen was now in a room for overnight observation, and if everything continued to go as well as the doctors expected, then Jensen could go home tomorrow. Still under the effects of the anesthesia, Jared was once again watching Jensen sleep. He took in the fact that even though Jensen has lost weight because of the liquid diet, he was still a large man, but he couldn’t wait to get him back to a healthy weight.

Jensen stood well over six feet and is very muscular, so how was a man so much older than him able to subdue him and do this much damage without Jensen fighting back. He could understand being scared, but to not even try… just disappointed him. It seemed as though now every little shadow, every little noise now made Jensen jump. Had Jensen always been this weak, this pathetic and he had been too in love to notice? Is that why he was now eating up Chad’s attention like, well a girl?


Jensen was awake, but he didn’t make Jared aware of it just yet. All their lives Jared and Chad had teased his about how pretty he was and how he had girl features, mainly his eyelashes. He had always complained to his mom and asked when he would look more like a boy like his friends. However, today he was glad he had these girlie features, because they allowed him to feign sleep while he observed Jared.

Jared sat in the chair across the room, which was a far cry from when he first entered the hospital, because then he couldn’t get close enough. He didn’t want Jared to see him naked and he really couldn’t stand the thought of being touched right now, but that really wasn’t a problem because he could see the disgust in Jared’s eyes when he looked at him. Chad told him he was seeing things that weren’t there, but here in this room where it was just the two of them Jensen knew he that was right.

Because Jared thought that Jensen was asleep, he had no reason to school his features, to hide what he felt, and according to his face, all he felt was disgust.

The hardest thing was trying to figure out if the disgust was directed towards his damaged body or how the damage had been inflicted. Did Jared think he was damaged goods now and he no longer wanted him? The thought of that hurt Jensen, because he wanted to tell Jared how much he loved him, how he was terrified to go to sleep at night because the monsters were there hurting him every night.

Jensen wanted so much to touch Jared, to be touched by Jared, but the thought of both actions terrified him and he didn’t know how to get past this. The most important thing he wanted was to have Jared look at him with love again.
He was prepared to continue pretending to be asleep, but when he moved pain radiated from the surgery site , making him moan and he saw Jared immediately school his features.

“How’re you feeling Jensen?” Jared inquired, “Are you hurting? The doctor said the surgery went well, but you sound as though you’re in pain. Do you need the nurse?”

“’M’good Jared,” Jensen lied, but when he tried to move to find a more comfortable position, his body told the truth.

“Just mad ‘cause I didn’t get to have my cheeseburger now that I can open my mouth,” he complained while opening and closing his mouth.

“You must not be feeling too badly if you’re talking about food,” Jared chuckled awkwardly.
Both men were silent as each of them searched for something to say. Jensen wondered how they got there because he remembered the time when he wanted to tell Jared everything. The discomfort was interrupted when Chad entered carrying coffee for him and Jared.

“Jen, you’re awake!” Chad exclaimed as he handed Jared his cup of coffee.

“Where’s mine?” Jensen asked as he stared longingly at the cup the blond held in his hand.

“Dr. Murray,” Jared began sarcastically, “can your patient have coffee?”

Jensen couldn’t decide if Chad registered the sarcasm or if he chose to ignore it, but either way the moment passed when the door opened and their families poured into the room.

Jensen had to admit even though he had asked his family not to come he was glad they ignored his request. It had been a while since he had last seen them; and it was comforting to have them there, because there was nothing like having his mom around when things were bad either emotionally or physically. Their presence also eased the awkwardness between him and Jared and gave them both a rest from trying so hard, at what used to be so natural between them.

“When are they gonna let you go home sweetie?” Donna asked her youngest son.

“Hopefully tomorrow?” Jensen questioned looking across the room towards Jared for assurance. He hoped there hadn’t been some complication while he was still under the effects of the anesthesia.

“If there are no complications, the doctor said he can go home tomorrow,” Jared reassured.

“May I… we,” she amended pointing at their families, “Come by then?” Donna asked cautiously as if bracing herself for the rejection.

“Yeah mom, that would be great,” he smiled at her.



The next day when members of both their families and all of their friends had arrived, Jensen thought he should have rethought his answer. At the time, his only thought was not having to be alone with Jared when things were still so difficult between them.

The thing about family and friends, was it that when you give them an inch, you don’t complain when they take a mile. What was supposed to be just people dropping by turned into a full-fledged cook out cum lunch and dinner. Some of the women had baked, or in Danneel’s case, went to the bakery, and the men made sure they didn’t run out of beer.

Jensen looked up when he heard Jared laugh. It was genuine and real and one he had not heard in a long time and Jensen was sure the beer in his hand had something to do with Jared’s newfound light heartedness, but the sound still brought one in answer to his lips. With that one sound, even with the pains he was in, Jensen’s day suddenly became happier and more relaxed.

Jared became so relaxed that he was more attentive to Jensen, and Jensen had to admit it was nice when it was Jared and not Chad who made sure he took his meds and checked to make sure that Jensen was not sneaking and eating foods that he shouldn’t. The beer was good for Jared.

That evening when everyone had left and it was just the two of them he changed his mind, because a drunken Jared was a handsy Jared. As soon as the door closed behind the last guest, and they entered their bedroom, Jared was all over Jensen. He tried not to panic, but suddenly it was as though his skin was too tight and the temperature in the room seemed to rise by the second.

“Stop Jared, please!” Jensen implored. Oh, god he was not ready for this. He could tell that his pleas were falling on deaf ears so he pushed at Jared’s chest. With each touch, each kiss Jensen flashed back to another time, another man and he began to fight.

Jared easily maneuvered Jensen and pressed him down on the bed, “Stop fightin’ me Jen. You didn’t fight Morgan why you fightin’ me?” Jared murmured.

“The doctor said we can’t Jay, not for another month,” Jensen reminded him; with a voice so shaky, he didn’t know how Jared understood him.

“Wanna suck you Jen, let me please,” he begged and just like that night, Jensen lay back and felt another piece of his soul die and wash away with each tear he shed.

Jensen really didn’t think that things could get any worse, but two days later he started throwing up, and a memory of putting off taking a pregnancy test flashed in his mind. He was not too tired today, but this time there was no joy at the prospect of doing this. Ten minutes later he had his answer, he was pregnant and he was not sure who the father was.

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